goodbye my lovely Lily flower
by emerald days
Summary: James's point of view on the one thing he couldn't have.


**Good-bye my lovely Lily flower**

Ever since I can remember I always got what I wanted. Any toy, any book, and when I grew up anyone, became mine. I was an only child so needless to say I was pampered, well got all the attention, that's for sure. I hate to admit it but I was a spoiled brat. I had a nice childhood though, my parents were great, my grandparents were great and I had many friends. People, yes I was blessed with them. Coming from an old pureblood family we were rich too, and I was soul heir to inherit it. My life was a breeze.

When I turned 11 I went to Hogwarts and as I was told by my father believed that Gryfindor was the best house and was proud to be in it, I didn't think the other houses were even worthy. I made three great friends and we made jokes and pulled pranks, never once thinking whether or not we hurt someone. I was best at everything and everyone loved me, or so I believed.

Severus Snape, he was the odd ball in our year. He was in Slytherin, the house that I believed was filthy and no good. So naturally we picked on him most. He just ignored us all throughout the year. We would trip him and we would just stand up and dust himself. He was quiet and shy, never confident as I was. Do you know what the worst part is though? I never felt guilty bullying him. We rivaled in most things like classes and exams, he was a tad smarter than I though.

Soon the bullying escalated, but he still didn't lose his temper. Now I think about it that in itself is an amazing thing. I could never have done that. He also had something else I did not have, Lily Evans. She was in my house, kind and gentle but had that energy that radiated from her, like the sun. First I thought she should be with us, not that ugly Slytherin. But she would not budge. She always defended Snape. Everyone loved me and laughed at my jokes, so I didn't understand why she would choose him over me.

Around our 3rd year Snape finally started to retaliate. He knew much more hexes than me or my friends but it was always 4 against 1 so we never lost. I still didn't have Lily though, I became obsessed on getting her. And I knew that Snape fancied her but would never tell her that. He didn't have the guts to, he was Slytherin after all, I thought. So I used this as an advantage. I would sweet talk to Lily, and tell her how awful Slytherins were, that they would become Deatheaters. She hated me for it.

5th year was when thing started to change. After our Defence OWL, we cornered Snape as usual and finally he lost it. He called Lily, who had come to stop us, a Mudblood. I knew he didn't mean it but Lily never forgave him or sided with him again. I was gleeful, Lily was mine.

6th year was uneventful. It seemed like however much Lily hated my sweet talks she was listening, well the part about the Slytherins becoming Deatheaters anyway, because she never even talked to Snape that year. Our bullying continued but now that Lily was gone his housemates looked out for him. I'm sure it was for their own gain. After all no one knew hexes and the dark arts like Snape.

Finally in our 7th year she gave in and we started going out. I was so happy I had her at last, she was a trophy, something that said, I always get what I want. But somewhere along the way I feel in love with her. She was a beautiful person.

We married soon after our graduation. We were 20. I was working as an auror and she had a job with muggle liaisons. We also worked as a member of the order of the phoenix. I remember during one of those meetings Snape was confirmed to be a deatheater. Sirius sneered and said something about filthy and no good. I caught Lily's face fall with sadness and, I hoped I saw wrong, but regret.

That was not the only time I caught her like that. We sometimes went to her parents house and she would glance at the swings in the park that were visible from the window, or at the direction of a shabbier bunch of houses. I didn't know what was there until Mrs. Evans said 'I saw Severus a few days ago. He doesn't seem well.' Lily gave her a sad sort of smile but didn't say anything. She would also look sad when the daily profit printed deatheater attacks. I always thought that it was for the people who were attacked but she always checked to see if any deatheaters were killed or captured.

Harry was born 3 years into the marriage. We wanted to start a family when it was safer, but Lily's pained look seemed to grow everyday so I proposed on starting a family earlier. It did seem to brighten her spirits, and we couldn't be happier when Harry was born.

There was a prophecy about a boy defeating Voldemort and it was between Harry or the Longbottom's kid. We went into hiding and I was very frustrated. My temper became shorter and I became very restless. Sometimes I shut myself in our bedroom and didn't come out. Lily stayed cheerful for me and Harry, but it was forced and sometimes sad.

So on that fateful Halloween, 16 years ago we died. Harry survived thanks to Lily. We became one of the dead watching over our loved ones. Harry was treated very badly at Lily's sister's. I was always at Harry's side watching over him. But Lily was called somewhere else. It seems that love for someone calls us to them. I was curious so I tagged along. Although in my heart I knew who called her. I was right. Severus Snape was crying slumped in a chair in front of Dumbledore looking worst then anyone who suffered the cruciatus curse. He was dirty and worn, his skin was white and he looked tortured. Just a glance at him and Lily was in tears. He was saying stuff like promised to keep her safe. Dumbledore told him that if he loved Lily he would help him protect her son. I scoffed at the idea, he was my son. Snape hated me, and he and Lily had not even spoken to each other of more than 7 years, but he pulled himself together and put on the cold mask he always wore and agreed.

I thought at some point he would turn away and become the deatheater he was, but never once did he break his promise. He would cry sometimes, late at night, deep in the dungeons of Hogwarts. Lily was always with him at those times. She would comfort him although he could not hear it. She would stay with him until he fell asleep.

When Harry finally came to Hogwarts I was so proud he was in Gryfindor. He faced many dangers and I hate to admit it but Snape was always protecting him. I could see the hatred in his eyes when he looked at my son and how I wanted to hex him just like I used to do. But Lily said quietly one day as we watched over Harry, it was our fault Snape treated Harry that way. I spluttered in indignation but she said I bullied him and made his life hell, and that she betrayed him. She reminded me that I used to bully Snape just because he existed. I felt a twinge of guilt at that.

She told me in that quiet voice that held regret, that Snape had had a terrible childhood. I was shocked. It was so different from my own. His muggle father who hated everything to do with magic had beaten him and his mother, finally killing her in his 5th year. His father had died in prison just 2 years later. She knew that she was his life line. That she was the only one he had to trust anymore but his interests in the dark arts scared her and it was too heavy a friendship for her.

When He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Name returned, he went back as spy. Only Dumbledore seemed to be kind to him. His other colleagues were cordially but that was all. I finally saw what a lonely life he lead. I saw Lily's tears every time he came back battered and worn. Sometimes he was barely conscious. On nights like those he cried, calling Lily's name and apologizing countless times before sleep took over him. Sometimes he would talk to Lily's photo telling her about Harry or something she might find funny. Lily would smile fondly at him, her eyes shining.

Lily said to me one day we aren't Gryfindors at all, that we aren't brave. I looked at her incredulously. She looked at me and asked if I have ever faced my fears. I said I have. She merely looked at me and said that she hadn't. But an unasked question lingered on my mind, "Can you do what Severus is doing?"

She always looked sad or guilty those days I was at a loss. The Lily I fell in love with was happy and bright. Asked her what was wrong and she said she was being punished. I told her there was nothing to be punished for but she shook her head and said that, she was being punished for taking the easier path and betraying him. That she should have been brave and forgiven Snape in 5th year. She said in a voice that was barely above a whisper, 'sometimes it's better to be the world to one person than being just a friend to many. I realize that now.' She knew that she was the world to Snape and could never be more than a friend with me. I hated seeing her unhappy and tried to keep her away from him but his love for her was strong and it called out to her.

Snape never missed to come to our grave on Halloween, the night we died. He would always leave small white roses, Lily's favorite flower and mutter a few words to her.

On the night of the final battle, we watched as he was bitten by the snake. Lily gasped and cried. We watched as he gave our son his memories and died looking into Harry's, no Lily's eyes. I gave her push, she didn't need telling twice, she went to him. She whispered a small 'thank you' to me as she went. Not 'I love you', 'thank you'. I gave a sad smile. We were just friends.

We were young when we married, thinking it was true love. We rushed into it, didn't we?

Lily went back to him, he never looked so alive even when he was living. She really was his life. I don't know what they said but I suppose they forgave each other. Lily looked happy now. I could always make Lily laugh but I have never been able to wipe away her tears. Only Snape could do that.

So, Snape, I thank you for what you did for Harry. And I give you back Lily. I'm sorry for all I did to you.  
>Lily, just one last time let me call you 'my lovely Lily flower'. You were the one thing I couldn't have, you know.<p>

Good-bye my lovely Lily flower.


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